Showing posts with label lane kiffin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lane kiffin. Show all posts

Monday, September 14, 2009

Urban's Free Pass

I look forward to singing Rocky Top all night long after we beat Florida in the Swamp next year....

- Lane Kiffin

I submit the above statement as Exhibit A. Those words were famously uttered by Tennessee head coach Lane Kiffin during his introductory press conference. These are also the same words that are purportedly taped to every locker in the Gators locker room. It was also a sign of the pure, unadulterated idiocy to come from Knoxville.


I submit the following video as Exhibit B.



These words were infamously uttered by Bozo, errr Lane at a Tennessee Booster gathering. As we all know, Kiffin didn't exactly study his recruiting rules guide. If he had, perhaps he would have known that what he was accusing Meyer of was in fact perfectly legal. To make matters worse, while Kiffin was busy calling Meyer a cheater, he himself was committing about 273394 recruiting violations.

Exhibit A and Exhibit B both are being used here as evidence. This is probably the first time in a long while that one coach in a seemingly superior position has the capability of running up the score without the traditional media and fan backlash that follows.

Everyone in the world knows what Urban Meyer wants to do to Lane Kiffin's Vols. I don't think Meyer will be satisfied if his bunch doesn't beat the Creamsicle Crusaders by a half hundo. The funny part is, everyone in the world knows that Urban Meyer is completely justifiable.

Even last year against Georgia, when Urban seemed to have every right to want to exact revenge against Mark Richt for the "celebration" of the previous year, he still caught some heat for calling two late timeouts with Florida ahead big. Meyer had to try to defend his actions by stating that he was simply trying to get Manny Moody some more carries.


Ask these unfortunate few what Meyer's wrath looks like.


This game is different. Meyer will have no need to defend his actions after keeping Tebow in a 70 point blowout only to allow him to run through the Vols' fourth string linebacker for his 6th td of the day. After the game Meyer can look right into the collective media's eyes and say, I made that douche in the creamsicle jumpsuit shut his mouth. I expect the media to start the slowest of slow caps at this remark by Meyer and he will be exalted by all.

I just don't know if people realize how special of an opportunity this is for Urb. He has a free pass to do whatever he wants! He could walk over to Lane Kiffin and piss on his forehead while flicking off Ed Orgeron and mouthing a big "FUCK YOU!" to good 'ol Monte.

Not even Randy Shannon would cry if Meyer put up numbers against Tennessee that would make S.O.S. blush. As a matter of fact, I think Meyer should issue a directive to the student body to bumrush the Tennessee band when they start to play Rocky Top for the first of 9,000 times. As all of this is happening the camera should pan in to Urb's grill for a close-up to catch him saying "I hate that god damn song" into the headset.

I hope Urban takes full advantage of this once in a lifetime moment. For a man that once used a rival's logo as urinal cakes, who knows where Kiffin's mug is plastered at right now.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

CFB 365 Beer Pong Torunament

Beer pong and college football. Has there ever been two things that went together so nicely? Not since peanut butter and jelly or Phil Fulmer and stretch pants have two entities come together and created one magnificent spectacle.

I've decided to exploit this fact by starting a beer pong tournament, CFB365 style. The tournament will consist of 16 prominent BCS coaches divided into two brackets. I wanted to do one with the players, but we don't condone underage drinking here at 365 (officially anyways...).

The tournament will commence tomorrow. For now, let's meet the competitors.

The "I Need 10 Cups So They Don't Runeth Over" Division


1. Urban Meyer- Florida.

Tale of the tape.
Age- 45
Birthplace- Ashtabula, OH
Claim to fame- Won 2 national championships in first 4 years at Florida.
Signature move- Calls timeout when ahead 8 cups to 2 to give his opponent plenty of time to contemplate their inevitable defeat. Then calmly drains the last 2 cups.
Quote- " You'd be nuts not to root for me."
Nickname- Head Ponger In Charge



2. Nick Saban - Alabama

Tale of the tape.

Age- 57
Birthplace- Hell
Claim to fame- Became the head coach of Bama merely minutes after refuting reports he was leaving the Miami Dolphins.
Signature move- Convinces opponent he will not play against them. As soon as they let their guard down, he attacks!
Quote- "I will not play in this tournament. I'm telling you right now. Never, ever."
Nickname- Honest Nicky



3. Pete Carroll - USC

Tale of the tape.

Age- 57
Birthplace- San Francisco, CA
Claim to fame- 1 1/2 national championships.
Signature move- He has the rest of the PAC-10 hold his side cup when it's his turn to shoot.
Quote- "Win forever....at beer pong!"
Nickname- West Coast Pong Dude



4. Les Miles - LSU

Tale of the tape.

Age- 55
Birthplace- Elyria, OH
Claim to fame- Won national championship despite 2 losses.
Signature move- With only one cup needed to win, Miles will still attempt to bounce the ball in just for shits and giggles.
Quote- " What the hell, go for it!"
Nickname- The Beer Pong Gambler



5. Mack Brown - Texas

Tale of the tape.

Age- 57
Birthplace- Cookeville, TN
Claim to fame- Rode Vince Young's manic depressive legs to a national championship.
Signature move- He finds one toss he likes early and sticks with it. No matter what, he keeps doing it over and over.
Quote- "Drink 'Em"
Nickname- The Solo Cup Destroyer



6. Jim Tressel - Ohio St.

Tale of the tape.

Age- 56
Birthplace- Mentor, OH
Claim to fame- Won one national championship with the Buckeyes, and he only needed a little help from the refs.
Signature move- Slowly wears down his opponent by methodically draining every cup in order and playing good defense.
Quote- "What the hell does a spread offense mean?"
Nickname- The Vested Ponger




7. Joe Paterno - Penn St.

Tale of the tape.

Age- 109
Birthplace- Brooklyn, NY
Claim to Fame- The all time winningnest coach in college football history.
Signature move- Watches the whole match from the side while his assistants do all the work.
Quote- "Beer pong was way more fun during prohibition."
Nickname- JoePong



8. Randy Shannon - Miami

Tale of the tape.

Age- 43
Birthplace- Miami, FL
Claim to fame- Crying incessantly after Urban Meyer kicked a late field goal in last year's Gators victory.
Signature move- Bad mouths opponents after each and every loss.
Quote- "Everybody in this tournament is a classless dirtbag."
Nickname- Tears For Beers.


The "I Just Need An Excuse To Drink" Division.


1. Mark Richt - Georgia

Tale of the tape.

Age- 49
Birthplace- Omaha, NE
Claim to fame- Severely pissing off Urban Meyer.
Signature move- Jumps on to the table and celebrates wildly after draining the first cup of every match.
Quote-"At least I'm not Lane Kffin."
Nickname- The Double Fister




2. Lane Kiffin - Tennessee

Tale of the tape.

Age- 34
Birthplace- Bloomington, MN
Claim to fame- Absolutely nothing.
Signature move- Pisses off every single one of his opponents before the match even starts.
Quote-"I'm gonna turn Urban Meyer in right now. He blocked my attempt to bounce my ball into his cup. Just to let you know, that's cheating.
Nickname- Lame Chugger



3. Bob Stoops - Oklahoma

Tale of the tape.

Age- 48
Birthplace- Youngstown, OH
Claim to fame- One national championship and 26 straight BCS appearances.
Signature move- Wins every single match with a tiebreaker.
Quote-"Why would I design a defense to stop the Statue of Liberty? That play will never come up."
Nickname- Beer Me


4. Charlie Weis - Notre Dame

Tale of the tape.

Age- 53
Birthplace- Butter
Claim to fame- "Architect" of the New England Patriots' offense.
Signature move- Disorients opponents with his body odor and engulfs any wayward ping pong balls that come near his cups.
Quote- "I'm telling you, I am a genius. You gotta believe me!"
Nickname- Lightweight




5. Rich Rodriguez - Michigan

Tale of the tape.

Age- 46
Birthplace- Grant Town, WV
Claim to fame- Led Michigan to their worst record in 206 years of football.
Signature move- Wipes the sweat off of his brow with bright red wristbands while calmly draining shots.
Quote-"Give me my money!"
Nickname - Appalachian Swigger



6. Bobby Bowden - Florida St.

Tale of the tape.

Age- 107
Birthplace- Pangaea
Claim to fame- Two national championships and a lifetime of quotes.
Signature move- The Pongrooskie
Quote-"Well Daggummit. I can't follow this her darned thing."
Nickname- The Wonderkid.




7. Steve Kragthorpe - Louisville
Tale of the tape.

Age- 44
Birthplace- Missoula, MT
Claim to fame- Completely bombing the Louisville program.
Signature move- Gets in way over his head and hangs on for dear life.
Quote- "I'm not in Tulsa anymore."
Nickname- Stevie Kegstand






8. Mike Riley - Oregon St.

Tale of the tape.

Age- 56
Birthplace- Wallace, ID
Claim to fame- Annually ruining the national title hopes of a PAC-10 team.
Signature move- Surprises his opponents with his cunning ability to dominate the beer pong table. Always lets the other guy back in, but nails the game winning cup in overtime.
Quote-"No, no, no, no, no. I'm the OTHER Mike Riley."
Nickname- The Malice From Corvallis