CFB 365 Beer Pong Torunament

Beer pong and college football. Has there ever been two things that went together so nicely? Not since peanut butter and jelly or Phil Fulmer and stretch pants have two entities come together and created one magnificent spectacle.

I've decided to exploit this fact by starting a beer pong tournament, CFB365 style. The tournament will consist of 16 prominent BCS coaches divided into two brackets. I wanted to do one with the players, but we don't condone underage drinking here at 365 (officially anyways...).

The tournament will commence tomorrow. For now, let's meet the competitors.

The "I Need 10 Cups So They Don't Runeth Over" Division


1. Urban Meyer- Florida.

Tale of the tape.
Age- 45
Birthplace- Ashtabula, OH
Claim to fame- Won 2 national championships in first 4 years at Florida.
Signature move- Calls timeout when ahead 8 cups to 2 to give his opponent plenty of time to contemplate their inevitable defeat. Then calmly drains the last 2 cups.
Quote- " You'd be nuts not to root for me."
Nickname- Head Ponger In Charge



2. Nick Saban - Alabama

Tale of the tape.

Age- 57
Birthplace- Hell
Claim to fame- Became the head coach of Bama merely minutes after refuting reports he was leaving the Miami Dolphins.
Signature move- Convinces opponent he will not play against them. As soon as they let their guard down, he attacks!
Quote- "I will not play in this tournament. I'm telling you right now. Never, ever."
Nickname- Honest Nicky



3. Pete Carroll - USC

Tale of the tape.

Age- 57
Birthplace- San Francisco, CA
Claim to fame- 1 1/2 national championships.
Signature move- He has the rest of the PAC-10 hold his side cup when it's his turn to shoot.
Quote- "Win forever....at beer pong!"
Nickname- West Coast Pong Dude



4. Les Miles - LSU

Tale of the tape.

Age- 55
Birthplace- Elyria, OH
Claim to fame- Won national championship despite 2 losses.
Signature move- With only one cup needed to win, Miles will still attempt to bounce the ball in just for shits and giggles.
Quote- " What the hell, go for it!"
Nickname- The Beer Pong Gambler



5. Mack Brown - Texas

Tale of the tape.

Age- 57
Birthplace- Cookeville, TN
Claim to fame- Rode Vince Young's manic depressive legs to a national championship.
Signature move- He finds one toss he likes early and sticks with it. No matter what, he keeps doing it over and over.
Quote- "Drink 'Em"
Nickname- The Solo Cup Destroyer



6. Jim Tressel - Ohio St.

Tale of the tape.

Age- 56
Birthplace- Mentor, OH
Claim to fame- Won one national championship with the Buckeyes, and he only needed a little help from the refs.
Signature move- Slowly wears down his opponent by methodically draining every cup in order and playing good defense.
Quote- "What the hell does a spread offense mean?"
Nickname- The Vested Ponger




7. Joe Paterno - Penn St.

Tale of the tape.

Age- 109
Birthplace- Brooklyn, NY
Claim to Fame- The all time winningnest coach in college football history.
Signature move- Watches the whole match from the side while his assistants do all the work.
Quote- "Beer pong was way more fun during prohibition."
Nickname- JoePong



8. Randy Shannon - Miami

Tale of the tape.

Age- 43
Birthplace- Miami, FL
Claim to fame- Crying incessantly after Urban Meyer kicked a late field goal in last year's Gators victory.
Signature move- Bad mouths opponents after each and every loss.
Quote- "Everybody in this tournament is a classless dirtbag."
Nickname- Tears For Beers.


The "I Just Need An Excuse To Drink" Division.


1. Mark Richt - Georgia

Tale of the tape.

Age- 49
Birthplace- Omaha, NE
Claim to fame- Severely pissing off Urban Meyer.
Signature move- Jumps on to the table and celebrates wildly after draining the first cup of every match.
Quote-"At least I'm not Lane Kffin."
Nickname- The Double Fister




2. Lane Kiffin - Tennessee

Tale of the tape.

Age- 34
Birthplace- Bloomington, MN
Claim to fame- Absolutely nothing.
Signature move- Pisses off every single one of his opponents before the match even starts.
Quote-"I'm gonna turn Urban Meyer in right now. He blocked my attempt to bounce my ball into his cup. Just to let you know, that's cheating.
Nickname- Lame Chugger



3. Bob Stoops - Oklahoma

Tale of the tape.

Age- 48
Birthplace- Youngstown, OH
Claim to fame- One national championship and 26 straight BCS appearances.
Signature move- Wins every single match with a tiebreaker.
Quote-"Why would I design a defense to stop the Statue of Liberty? That play will never come up."
Nickname- Beer Me


4. Charlie Weis - Notre Dame

Tale of the tape.

Age- 53
Birthplace- Butter
Claim to fame- "Architect" of the New England Patriots' offense.
Signature move- Disorients opponents with his body odor and engulfs any wayward ping pong balls that come near his cups.
Quote- "I'm telling you, I am a genius. You gotta believe me!"
Nickname- Lightweight




5. Rich Rodriguez - Michigan

Tale of the tape.

Age- 46
Birthplace- Grant Town, WV
Claim to fame- Led Michigan to their worst record in 206 years of football.
Signature move- Wipes the sweat off of his brow with bright red wristbands while calmly draining shots.
Quote-"Give me my money!"
Nickname - Appalachian Swigger



6. Bobby Bowden - Florida St.

Tale of the tape.

Age- 107
Birthplace- Pangaea
Claim to fame- Two national championships and a lifetime of quotes.
Signature move- The Pongrooskie
Quote-"Well Daggummit. I can't follow this her darned thing."
Nickname- The Wonderkid.




7. Steve Kragthorpe - Louisville
Tale of the tape.

Age- 44
Birthplace- Missoula, MT
Claim to fame- Completely bombing the Louisville program.
Signature move- Gets in way over his head and hangs on for dear life.
Quote- "I'm not in Tulsa anymore."
Nickname- Stevie Kegstand






8. Mike Riley - Oregon St.

Tale of the tape.

Age- 56
Birthplace- Wallace, ID
Claim to fame- Annually ruining the national title hopes of a PAC-10 team.
Signature move- Surprises his opponents with his cunning ability to dominate the beer pong table. Always lets the other guy back in, but nails the game winning cup in overtime.
Quote-"No, no, no, no, no. I'm the OTHER Mike Riley."
Nickname- The Malice From Corvallis

Charlie Weis is Fat (And other reasons why these coaches might get fired.)

Time for my yearly round-up of the coaches on the hot seat this season. I was unsurprisingly accurate last season. That's bad news for these guys...




Robb Akey- Idaho. Akey is this year's winner of the Gregg Robinson award. That prestigious piece of hardware is given to the one coach that defies all odds and is given another year at his god-awful institutions. Past winners include Gregg Robinson. That's some good company. Also, it's a tradition for the Gregg Robinson award winner to be fired within a year of winning the award. So expect Akey to be out of Moscow by year's end.

Possible Replacement - Someone who will be fired 3 years from now. It's the natural cycle at Idaho.







Steve Kragthorpe - Louisville. Fortunately for Kragthorpe, the Rick Pitino scandal will take off some of the heat that Steve has been feeling at Louisville. Unfortunately for Stevie-K, his coaching ability (or lack thereof) will put all the heat square back on him by October.

Possible Replacement- This seems like a good spot for Turner Gill.






Bob Toledo - Tulane. I'm still trying to figure out how in the hell Bob Toledo even got this job in the first place. I don't see the Green Wave being any good this season, so I think Toledo will be leaving the Big Easy pretty soon.

Possible replacement - How about Tommy Bowden coming back to New Orleans. The Wave haven't been nearly as good as they once were under Bowden.





Neil Callaway - UAB. When I sat down and thought of all the coaches I wanted to include on this highly respected list, I have to admit that Neil Callaway wasn't one of my first choices. This had nothing to do with the fact that I think the Blazers will be better this season. I actually completely forgot about UAB and Neil Callaway. The worst thing for a college football to do is to become irrelevant.

Possible Replacement- Tyrone Willingham. Imaging Willingham and Mike Davis at the same tiny institution.




Charlie Weis - Notre Dame. The poster boy for coaches on the hot seat this season. Weis will need to do better than a trip to the Hawaii bowl this season to keep his job. One good thing for Charlie is that he has a solid defense in South Bend this year. Also, an easy schedule, especially by Notre Dame standards, should help the Irish rebound somewhat.

Possible Replacement- We all know who Notre Dame's first choice is going to be. We'll just agree that that isn't happening. So I'll say the field.




Al Groh - Virginia. Groh saved his job two seasons ago. He found himself back on the hot seat after missing a bowl game last season. A similar result this year could lead to his dismissal. Groh's sticking point used to be his recruiting prowess. However, he is even slipping in that department recently.

Possible Replacement- Skip Holtz. If he can pull off another good season at ECU.







Doug Martin - Kent St. If Martin can't get the Golden Flashes into a bowl game this season, he might be getting the pink slip. Martin needs to take full advantage of Eugene Jarvis while he has him.

Possible Replacement- Someone from the D-II that no one has ever heard of.





Paul Wulff - Washington St. I usually like to give coaches a 3 year grace period before calling for their job. However, there are certain special circumstances in which I can make an exception. This is one of those instances. If the Cougars suffer through another season like last year, Wulff will be out.

Possible Replacement - Some USC assistant.








Mark Snyder - Marshall. I really have no insightful knowledge on this one. I just know that Marshall hasn't been good for a couple of seasons. Howe many more can Snyder stay around for? In my opinion, one.

Possible Replacement - Maybe the UF-Marshall connection will make it's way over to the gridiron, and Billy Gonzalez gets a head coaching gig.







Ron Zook - Illinois. I'm definitely not an Illinois insider, but I gotta imagine that the fans are growing weary of Zook's inconsistency. This I can speak of firsthand. Zook can recruit, but he absolutely cannot coach. How does someone with Juice Williams and Arrelious Benn at their disposal miss a bowl game? I guess the Zooker needs to start a fight with an entire frat house to start feeling the heat.

Possible Replacement - Another Gator, Charlie Strong.








Bret Bielema - Wisconsin. The Badger win total has been decreasing every season under Bielema's tenure. If that trend continues this season, Wisconsin could be missing out on a bowl game. That's an unforgivable offense in Madison. One that could cost Bielema his job.

Possible Replacement - Whoever the hell Barry Alvarez wants.







Jim Leavitt - South Florida. I know Leavitt is the architect of the South Florida program. A program that is on a meteoric rise. But some blame has to be thrown his way for the Bulls lack of success in late season games. If USF suffers another late season collapse, especially in George Selvie and Matt Grothe's last season, Leavitt could be feeling some serious heat in Tampa.

Possible Replacement - One of the many top notch assistants on Leavitt's coaching staff.

Wild Week 2

Week 2 of the college football season is in the books. I must say that if the season keeps progressing like this, this may be the best CFB season in recent memory. There were several great games to watch this weekend. Here are a few of the top stories from the week.



The Big Ten is a slightly better conference than the MAC.


The conglomerate that is Ohio football paid a visit to Columbus this week. Unfortunately for the Bobcats, they ran into an upstart Ohio St. looking for the upset. The inferior Buckeyes stole the victory from the mighty Bobcats by getting away with a block in the back on a punt return in the fourth. This bunch of lovable kids from Columbus may be the story of the year after pulling this one off. Let's see if they can ride the momentum to pull off some more upsets.

Another powerful MAC team bit by the upset bug was the Miami(OH) Redhawks. The Redhawks were in a tight battle against underdog Michigan all game long. The scrappy Wolverines were able to pull away with a late touchdown in the fourth.

Both of these victories have catapulted the Big Ten pass the MAC in conference prestige. This conference definitely deserves to have an automatic BCS berth.



Charlie Weis is the worst head coach in the history of coaching.


Notre Dame was pushed to the brink by the San Diego St. Aztecs. This is the same Aztec team that was coming off of a loss to Cal Poly! Notre Dame escaped the victory after forcing a SDSU fumble as the Aztecs were at the goal line looking to put the nail in the Irish coffin. I really hope this quiets the Notre Dame douchebag faithful that seem to have a blinding faith in Mr. Weis. Also, can we please stop mentioning Weis in the same breath as other great coaches. It isn't fair to the profession. The only good thing about Weis is that he makes Notre Dame horrible. Anything that makes that happen is cool with me.



Washington got jobbed.


Seriously, how in the hell can the refs make that call at that point in the game? Ty Willingham needs all the help he can get to stay employed in Seattle, and apparently the refs aren't giving him any. These new rules are disgusting. Football is a passionate sport that sometimes evokes passionate responses from those individuals that partake in this sport. Who cares if you hurt the feelings of an opposing team. How about that team try to actually STOP that player. That way, there's nothing for said player to celebrate.

I'm not putting the whole loss on the refs. Who's to say BYU doesn't beat Washington in overtime anyway? However, the fact that the Huskies didn't get that chance due to a horrendous call is a travesty that should not be allowed.


Other notable stories from week 2.

• Missouri is a legit national title contender.
• Fans that chant "SEC" are the most obnoxious fans in the world.
• The ACC is total horse shit.
• There's a game being played in Los Angeles next week. I don't know if you heard.