CFB 365 Beer Pong Torunament

Beer pong and college football. Has there ever been two things that went together so nicely? Not since peanut butter and jelly or Phil Fulmer and stretch pants have two entities come together and created one magnificent spectacle.

I've decided to exploit this fact by starting a beer pong tournament, CFB365 style. The tournament will consist of 16 prominent BCS coaches divided into two brackets. I wanted to do one with the players, but we don't condone underage drinking here at 365 (officially anyways...).

The tournament will commence tomorrow. For now, let's meet the competitors.

The "I Need 10 Cups So They Don't Runeth Over" Division


1. Urban Meyer- Florida.

Tale of the tape.
Age- 45
Birthplace- Ashtabula, OH
Claim to fame- Won 2 national championships in first 4 years at Florida.
Signature move- Calls timeout when ahead 8 cups to 2 to give his opponent plenty of time to contemplate their inevitable defeat. Then calmly drains the last 2 cups.
Quote- " You'd be nuts not to root for me."
Nickname- Head Ponger In Charge



2. Nick Saban - Alabama

Tale of the tape.

Age- 57
Birthplace- Hell
Claim to fame- Became the head coach of Bama merely minutes after refuting reports he was leaving the Miami Dolphins.
Signature move- Convinces opponent he will not play against them. As soon as they let their guard down, he attacks!
Quote- "I will not play in this tournament. I'm telling you right now. Never, ever."
Nickname- Honest Nicky



3. Pete Carroll - USC

Tale of the tape.

Age- 57
Birthplace- San Francisco, CA
Claim to fame- 1 1/2 national championships.
Signature move- He has the rest of the PAC-10 hold his side cup when it's his turn to shoot.
Quote- "Win forever....at beer pong!"
Nickname- West Coast Pong Dude



4. Les Miles - LSU

Tale of the tape.

Age- 55
Birthplace- Elyria, OH
Claim to fame- Won national championship despite 2 losses.
Signature move- With only one cup needed to win, Miles will still attempt to bounce the ball in just for shits and giggles.
Quote- " What the hell, go for it!"
Nickname- The Beer Pong Gambler



5. Mack Brown - Texas

Tale of the tape.

Age- 57
Birthplace- Cookeville, TN
Claim to fame- Rode Vince Young's manic depressive legs to a national championship.
Signature move- He finds one toss he likes early and sticks with it. No matter what, he keeps doing it over and over.
Quote- "Drink 'Em"
Nickname- The Solo Cup Destroyer



6. Jim Tressel - Ohio St.

Tale of the tape.

Age- 56
Birthplace- Mentor, OH
Claim to fame- Won one national championship with the Buckeyes, and he only needed a little help from the refs.
Signature move- Slowly wears down his opponent by methodically draining every cup in order and playing good defense.
Quote- "What the hell does a spread offense mean?"
Nickname- The Vested Ponger




7. Joe Paterno - Penn St.

Tale of the tape.

Age- 109
Birthplace- Brooklyn, NY
Claim to Fame- The all time winningnest coach in college football history.
Signature move- Watches the whole match from the side while his assistants do all the work.
Quote- "Beer pong was way more fun during prohibition."
Nickname- JoePong



8. Randy Shannon - Miami

Tale of the tape.

Age- 43
Birthplace- Miami, FL
Claim to fame- Crying incessantly after Urban Meyer kicked a late field goal in last year's Gators victory.
Signature move- Bad mouths opponents after each and every loss.
Quote- "Everybody in this tournament is a classless dirtbag."
Nickname- Tears For Beers.


The "I Just Need An Excuse To Drink" Division.


1. Mark Richt - Georgia

Tale of the tape.

Age- 49
Birthplace- Omaha, NE
Claim to fame- Severely pissing off Urban Meyer.
Signature move- Jumps on to the table and celebrates wildly after draining the first cup of every match.
Quote-"At least I'm not Lane Kffin."
Nickname- The Double Fister




2. Lane Kiffin - Tennessee

Tale of the tape.

Age- 34
Birthplace- Bloomington, MN
Claim to fame- Absolutely nothing.
Signature move- Pisses off every single one of his opponents before the match even starts.
Quote-"I'm gonna turn Urban Meyer in right now. He blocked my attempt to bounce my ball into his cup. Just to let you know, that's cheating.
Nickname- Lame Chugger



3. Bob Stoops - Oklahoma

Tale of the tape.

Age- 48
Birthplace- Youngstown, OH
Claim to fame- One national championship and 26 straight BCS appearances.
Signature move- Wins every single match with a tiebreaker.
Quote-"Why would I design a defense to stop the Statue of Liberty? That play will never come up."
Nickname- Beer Me


4. Charlie Weis - Notre Dame

Tale of the tape.

Age- 53
Birthplace- Butter
Claim to fame- "Architect" of the New England Patriots' offense.
Signature move- Disorients opponents with his body odor and engulfs any wayward ping pong balls that come near his cups.
Quote- "I'm telling you, I am a genius. You gotta believe me!"
Nickname- Lightweight




5. Rich Rodriguez - Michigan

Tale of the tape.

Age- 46
Birthplace- Grant Town, WV
Claim to fame- Led Michigan to their worst record in 206 years of football.
Signature move- Wipes the sweat off of his brow with bright red wristbands while calmly draining shots.
Quote-"Give me my money!"
Nickname - Appalachian Swigger



6. Bobby Bowden - Florida St.

Tale of the tape.

Age- 107
Birthplace- Pangaea
Claim to fame- Two national championships and a lifetime of quotes.
Signature move- The Pongrooskie
Quote-"Well Daggummit. I can't follow this her darned thing."
Nickname- The Wonderkid.




7. Steve Kragthorpe - Louisville
Tale of the tape.

Age- 44
Birthplace- Missoula, MT
Claim to fame- Completely bombing the Louisville program.
Signature move- Gets in way over his head and hangs on for dear life.
Quote- "I'm not in Tulsa anymore."
Nickname- Stevie Kegstand






8. Mike Riley - Oregon St.

Tale of the tape.

Age- 56
Birthplace- Wallace, ID
Claim to fame- Annually ruining the national title hopes of a PAC-10 team.
Signature move- Surprises his opponents with his cunning ability to dominate the beer pong table. Always lets the other guy back in, but nails the game winning cup in overtime.
Quote-"No, no, no, no, no. I'm the OTHER Mike Riley."
Nickname- The Malice From Corvallis

Countdown!

'Twas the day before football, when all through the land
Everyone was stirring, especially CFB fans;

The helmets were hung by the lockers with care,
In hopes that gameday soon would be there;

The cheerleaders were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of touchdowns danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'jersey, and I in my hat,
Had just settled down for a long fall’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-cut grass
Gave the lustre of mid-day to OSU fan’s ass,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature horse, and an Indian with a spear,
With an old time coach, so dagummit lively,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Bobby.
More rapid than War Eagles his players they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Tebow! now, Daniel! now, Moreno and Harvin!
On, Wells! on Bradford! on, Harrell and Garvin!
To the back of the end zone! Go get that ball !
Now sprint away! sprint away! sprint away all!
"As dry leaves that before the Miami Hurricanes fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, on their backs they will lie,
So up to the field the players they ran,
With pads on their shoulders, and a football in their hands.

And then, in an instant, I heard on the tube.
The yelling and screaming of the Gameday Crew.
As I looked at the screen, and was turning around,
Through the door St. Bobby came with a bound.
He was dressed all in garnet, from his shoes to his shirt,
And his golf hat was tarnished with ashes and dirt;
A bunch of players he had suspended from his team,
And he looked like a skeleton from some sort of bad dream.
His eyes -- how they glazed! his dimples how wrinkly!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose was so crinkly!
His droll gaping mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And he looked like he was chasing Joe Paterno;
The combing of a playbook he held in his hand,
And the scribbling all over it made it hard to comprehend;

He had a broad face and a big round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old fart,
And I cringed when I saw him, ‘Cus I’m a Gator at heart;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know the ‘Noles were nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled out the playbook; then left like a jerk,
And laying his finger on top of his nose,
He pointed to a breathe-right strip, for health reasons I suppose;
He sprang to his car, to his team gave a Yo!,
And away they all fled like Geno Hayes at the sight of Tebow.


But I heard him exclaim, as he drove away,

"College football starts tomorrow, Dagummit, watch every play!."

JoePa's Successor?

A lot of talk has been going down lately about who should be next in line at Penn State once Paterno steps down. I guess this has been a hot topic as of late because everyone figures Joe will retire after this season.

Wrong.

JoePa is going to coach forever. He will never retire. You know what else? Penn St. will be better for it. No one wants to go to Penn St. just because it's Penn St. People want to wear the PSU uniform so that they can have the opportunity to play for Paterno.

However, since everyone and their momma is making a JoePa successor list, I figured why the hell not.

Here are my top candidates to replace the un-replaceable one.

1. Greg Schiano - The current Rutgers head coach is the most likely choice as of now. In a recent poll on this most awesome of sites, you people voted Schiano as the leading candidate as well. The only problem is from Schiano's end. He repeatedly has turned down job opportunities to remain at Rutgers. I don't see that happening here. I believe Schiano would jump at a chance to coach the Nittany Lions. Like it or not, he would have a better chance of winning in the Big Eleven as opposed to the Big East.

2. Galen Hall - Hall is currently an assistant coach under Joe Paterno. If PSU were to give JoePa the power to pick his own replacement, I'm sure Hall would be his choice. Unfortunately, it seems Penn St. will not afford him that opportunity. One negative on Hall is his age. The Nittany Lions would effectively be moving from one old guy to the next. Usually you see a program go considerably younger when a long term coach is stepping down.

3. Bret Bielema - I've seen the current Wisconsin head coach named as the favorite to replace JoePa on several sites. I don't see what Bielema's motivation would be in making this move. He seems to be set up for better success at Wisconsin. Also, making a lateral move within the Big Eleven doesn't seem to make much sense. Then again, I thought Tom O' Brien was crazy when he did the same thing in the ACC.

4. Al Golden - I can't believe a Temple head coach is being named in job searches now. Granted, Golden is a long shot, but just the fact that he's being mentioned is a testament to his coaching ability. If Golden can improve the Owls consistently his name could be mentioned for several other positions. You never know, if Paterno sticks around for a few more years, Golden may be the hottest coach on the market.

Why I love JoePa

Outside of Urban Meyer and Steve Spurrier, Joe Paterno has got to be my favorite coach in college football. The man always speaks his mind. I also liked the fact that JoePa continued to walk the sideline after breaking his leg last season. Despite being 81 years old, JoePa has got to be the biggest bad ass in all of coaching. I bet JoePa still gets more tail than these young hot shot coaches. One time I was at a club in Tampa when the Penn St. football team walked in. JoePa non-chalantly followed and walked straight to the bar and ordered a drink called "liquid cocaine." When the bartender informed Paterno they didn't make that drink, Paterno immediately grabbed him by the throat and proceeded to give him the ass-kicking of his life. Lesson Learned:Don't EVER tell Paterno he can't have something. The bartender is in stable condition now so everything should be fine.

Anyway, JoePa added to his legacy while speaking in Pittsburgh recently. It seems JoePa is against his Big Eleven brethren, because he believes a playoff system is the correct way to go. Paterno called all the lame ass excuses that were being thrown out "completely bullshit."

The argument against playoffs because it ruins the sanctity of the regular season and causes the athletes to miss too much school was brought to Paterno's attention. His response, "That's total bullshit! Tell those crap bags to go to Home Depot, buy a nice sand blaster on sale, and get all of the sand out of their vaginas."

Paterno would go on to joke that he plans on coaching for 10-15 more years and he doesn't believe that a playoff system will occur in that time span.

I really hope Paterno's contract gets extended at Penn State, because college football NEEDS more JoePa!